Can you spot the ninja?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Who wrote the book "dripping matress"?
I.P. Nightly.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."
I hate that awkward feeling when your speaking to the person next to you while holding a call and then realize the person on the other end has been listening to you all along...
Never buy a car you can't push.
Why do you never see the headline: "psychic wins lottery"?
How do you even get to the point where you find yourself trying to outrun the cops in broad daylight without a stitch of clothing?
Sometimes when I get bored, I text a random number "ok, I hid the body, what now?"
No honey, of course I didn't just want to get you in bed that night when I met you...I wanted to get you in bed on a regular basis!
Who wrote the book "Hole in the bed"?
Mister Completely.
Sometimes I miss you so much that I wish I could remember where I hid your body...
Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?
I think I think too much...or at least I think about thinking too much too much!
There's an alien living in the toater! Everytime I put bread in he zaps it with his super-sonic-ultra-violet lazer gun and burns the hell out of it!
I'm a cereal killer...I've taken them all out: korn flakes, cocopops, bran, rice crispies... Fruit loops is next
All fun things I like in life are either immoral, illegal, expensive, fattening or impossible...
Teacher: if you had ten cookies and someone asked you for two cookies, how many would you have?
Me: Ten.
Teacher: okay, what if someone forcibly took two of your cookies? How many would you have then?
Me: Ten... And one dead body.
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone
I used to think you where Santa's little helper because of all the weird shit you get up to... But now I know you are!
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace fucku peace
peace peace peace peace peace
Who wrote the book 'FEED ME' ?
Simon's cat -no really, google it!
How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler
Weather prediction for this weekend: sunny with a slight west-eastern and the SNOT KLAPPED out of the stormers...
If I start to snore while your talking shit, please don't wake me...
My buddies wanted to be firemen, farmers or policemen, something like that. Not me, I just wanted to steal people's money! - John Dillinger
Bunnies are evil!
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.
Sometimes I think that if I was meant to fly I would have wings...but then I realize hoW stupid that sounds and I fly anyway.
I hate that awkward feeling when your roommate puts the light on while your jerking off to the Flinstones.
I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone
When your gecko is broken you have a reptile dysfunction
I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.
I have kleptomania, but if it gets bad I take something for it.
Your security is not in the hands of Kerry, Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own hands. - Osama bin Laden
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except that one where your naked in church.
Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are french, and its all organized by the Swiss.
Suicidal twin kills her sister by mistake.
My short term memory is not what it used to be,
Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
A bartender is just a pharmacists with a limited inventory.
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect;
Therefore I am perfect!
Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen million surnames.
Dyslexics have more NUB!
When you work here you name your own salary...I named mine Fred.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Red Meat isn't bad for you, fussy green meat is bad for you.
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car on 280 Interstate driving on the wrong side of the road. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the pretty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Who wrote the book "Spots on the wall"?
I.P. Standing.
No, of course you didn't spot the ninja, you wallnut!
Monday 24 December 2012
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Put Her in Charge!
If this girl were on the ballot I bet most of us would vote for her and be thrilled to do so. The apathy with which many view our next opportunity to this privilege of democracy is that there is not a "neither of the above" to select.
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living"
This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion:
Put me in charge . . ..
Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, take away and junk food, then get a job.
Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.
Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or xBox 360, then get a job and your own place.
Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someone's "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
BRING ON THE REVOLUTION.
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living"
This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion:
Put me in charge . . ..
Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, take away and junk food, then get a job.
Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.
Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or xBox 360, then get a job and your own place.
Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someone's "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
BRING ON THE REVOLUTION.
Sunday 25 November 2012
Hazards
The little triangle button in your car that keeps you out of harm's way? No, I don't think so! For a while now I have seen people using their hazards excessively and whether they are uneducated or drawn to triangular buttons is not yet clear.
Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!
Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...
I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!
How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?
It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!
So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:
1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!
Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...
I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!
How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?
It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!
So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:
1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Saturday 20 October 2012
The Original Ginger
Love 'em, hate 'em...These are the only people whom have hair that wil never blend into their natural surroundings...allow me to introduce the Ginger!
The Ginger: known to all mankind as the flame-head, red-head, or that hot-tempered girl whom works in the finance department but never really does finance...it can be spotted from a distance by it's bright mane and serious lack of understanding when it comes to the ginger concept...it looks like its on fire, but there's no smoke-this is the cause of wide-spread confusion in the human society
The Ginger Concept: the theory that Gingers were brought to the earth by an alien race and are in fact not entirely human...they are often placed in their very own catagory with their own personalised brand of cats (ginger cats)
The Ginga-Ninja: any ginger whom is brave enough to allow the world to see it's true nature by eXposing the colour of their hair folicles, is known as a ginga-ninja...it takes more courage for a ginger to expose itself than it takes a pizza delivery guy to charge a rhino head-on!
The Ginger-Hugger: a tree hugger that pretends to be indifferent toward the social standards and regulations of gingers...ie. They pretend to like red-heads.
The Ginger Bread Man: a religious symbol whorshipped by all gingers(whether or not they like to admit it to a human)...baked and decorated all year round but always in secret in fear that a human might come across and eat their gingerbread men...they also have an involuntary hiccup reflex when they see humans eating their(or another ginger's) gingerbread man...
Ginger Beer: a substance secreted by gingers during exercise (the equivalent of human sweat)...it is better not to try stealing gingerbeer from gingers...it is thought to have a very unstable chemical balance and might annihilate at the slightest change in pressure if not handled by a ginger. Gingerbeer is the main fuel in the undisclosed weapon of mass destruction which the US claimed was being kept in Iraq...
Ginger cats: any regular cat which has undergone genetic mutation(which can only be accomplished by a gingerbread man whorshipper or red-head) to take on a similar colour...this is a very likely sight as red-heads are supporting ginger cats in their mission to take over the cat world!
G-string: another one of the inventions brought into the world by gingers. An utterly unusable contraption to any normal human, but gingers prefer wearing them as undergarments, much like the humans wear knickers and briefs...
The G-spot: the human concept of climax is sadly unattainable to gingers, therefore they created the illusion of a g-spot which gives them the false hope that if the exact spot is touched they will experience an orgasm...to ease the disappointment, they just tell themselves that the g-spot is constantly out of reach...
Ginger: a herb often used to flavour curries or tea, aid in weightloss and digestion and sliced into bath water to help revitelize the skin.
Stoney: legalized trade of watered-down ginger beer to keep humans from seeking out and stealing real gingerbeer.
The abovementioned is not a work of fiction, think twice US! You do not want to find that can of gingerbeer!!!
The Ginger: known to all mankind as the flame-head, red-head, or that hot-tempered girl whom works in the finance department but never really does finance...it can be spotted from a distance by it's bright mane and serious lack of understanding when it comes to the ginger concept...it looks like its on fire, but there's no smoke-this is the cause of wide-spread confusion in the human society
The Ginger Concept: the theory that Gingers were brought to the earth by an alien race and are in fact not entirely human...they are often placed in their very own catagory with their own personalised brand of cats (ginger cats)
The Ginga-Ninja: any ginger whom is brave enough to allow the world to see it's true nature by eXposing the colour of their hair folicles, is known as a ginga-ninja...it takes more courage for a ginger to expose itself than it takes a pizza delivery guy to charge a rhino head-on!
The Ginger-Hugger: a tree hugger that pretends to be indifferent toward the social standards and regulations of gingers...ie. They pretend to like red-heads.
The Ginger Bread Man: a religious symbol whorshipped by all gingers(whether or not they like to admit it to a human)...baked and decorated all year round but always in secret in fear that a human might come across and eat their gingerbread men...they also have an involuntary hiccup reflex when they see humans eating their(or another ginger's) gingerbread man...
Ginger Beer: a substance secreted by gingers during exercise (the equivalent of human sweat)...it is better not to try stealing gingerbeer from gingers...it is thought to have a very unstable chemical balance and might annihilate at the slightest change in pressure if not handled by a ginger. Gingerbeer is the main fuel in the undisclosed weapon of mass destruction which the US claimed was being kept in Iraq...
Ginger cats: any regular cat which has undergone genetic mutation(which can only be accomplished by a gingerbread man whorshipper or red-head) to take on a similar colour...this is a very likely sight as red-heads are supporting ginger cats in their mission to take over the cat world!
G-string: another one of the inventions brought into the world by gingers. An utterly unusable contraption to any normal human, but gingers prefer wearing them as undergarments, much like the humans wear knickers and briefs...
The G-spot: the human concept of climax is sadly unattainable to gingers, therefore they created the illusion of a g-spot which gives them the false hope that if the exact spot is touched they will experience an orgasm...to ease the disappointment, they just tell themselves that the g-spot is constantly out of reach...
Ginger: a herb often used to flavour curries or tea, aid in weightloss and digestion and sliced into bath water to help revitelize the skin.
Stoney: legalized trade of watered-down ginger beer to keep humans from seeking out and stealing real gingerbeer.
The abovementioned is not a work of fiction, think twice US! You do not want to find that can of gingerbeer!!!
Thursday 18 October 2012
Shit Happens
Taoism: if you understand shit, it isn't shit.
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucious say 'shit happens'.
Buddhism: shit will happen to you again.
7th day Adventist: shit happens on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of ahit happening?
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Sikhism: leave our shit alone.
Jehova's witness: Knock knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Agnosticism: can you prove that shit happens?
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: shit happens, amen to that.
Judaism: why does shit always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism: so shit happens, already.
Televangelism: send money, or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarianism: let's smoke this shit.
Hare Krishna: shit happens, rama rama ding ding.
Nation of Islam: don't take no shit.
New Age: visualize shit happening.
Shintoism: you inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Hedonism: I love it when shit happens.
Satanism: sneppah this.
Capitalism: this is MY shit.
Feminism: men are shit!
Unitarian: what is this shit?
Existentialism: what is shit, anyway?
Scientology: if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137
Mormonism: Shit happens again and again and again.
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen, we make it happen!
Wicca: you can make shit happen, but shit will happen to you three times.
Disneyism: bad shit doesn't happen here.
Communism: let's share the shit.
Marxism: you've got nothing to lose but your shit.
Conspiracy Theorism: THEY shit on us!
Psycho-Analysis: tell me about your shit.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Armish: Modern shit is useless.
Suicidal: I've had enough of this shit
Optimism: shit won't happen to me!
Trekism: to boldly shit where no-one has shit before.
Shakespearean: to shit or not to shit, that is the question.
Descartes: I shit therefore I am.
Terrorism: let's blow this shit up!
Freud: shit is a phallic symbol.
Lawyers: for enough money, I can get you out of shit.
Acupuncturists: hold still or this will hurt like shit.
Pharmacists: this will get your shit going.
Teachers: by the time I'm done with you, you will be able to shit linear equations!
Students: detention sucks like shit
Surgeons: stitch that shit up!
Electricians: shit goes off, shit goes on.
Plumbers: I'll get rid of your shit.
Politically-correct: internally processed, nutritionally-drained output happens.
Dog: I just shit in your shoe.
Cat: dogs are shit.
Mouse: Oh shit! a cat!
Einstein: shit is relative.
Newton: this shit is heavy!
Family Gathering: relatives are shit.
Materialism: whoever dies with the most shit wins!
Vegetarianism: if it shits then I don't eat it.
Fatalism: shit! Its going to happen!
Environmentalism: shit is biodegradable.
Americanism: who gives a shit.
Statistician: shit is 84.7% likely to happen.
Hip-hop: motherfucker this is the shiznit beatch!
Tantrism: fuck this shit.
Cynicism: we are all full of shit.
Surrealism: fish happens
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucious say 'shit happens'.
Buddhism: shit will happen to you again.
7th day Adventist: shit happens on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of ahit happening?
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Sikhism: leave our shit alone.
Jehova's witness: Knock knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Agnosticism: can you prove that shit happens?
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: shit happens, amen to that.
Judaism: why does shit always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism: so shit happens, already.
Televangelism: send money, or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarianism: let's smoke this shit.
Hare Krishna: shit happens, rama rama ding ding.
Nation of Islam: don't take no shit.
New Age: visualize shit happening.
Shintoism: you inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Hedonism: I love it when shit happens.
Satanism: sneppah this.
Capitalism: this is MY shit.
Feminism: men are shit!
Unitarian: what is this shit?
Existentialism: what is shit, anyway?
Scientology: if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137
Mormonism: Shit happens again and again and again.
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen, we make it happen!
Wicca: you can make shit happen, but shit will happen to you three times.
Disneyism: bad shit doesn't happen here.
Communism: let's share the shit.
Marxism: you've got nothing to lose but your shit.
Conspiracy Theorism: THEY shit on us!
Psycho-Analysis: tell me about your shit.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Armish: Modern shit is useless.
Suicidal: I've had enough of this shit
Optimism: shit won't happen to me!
Trekism: to boldly shit where no-one has shit before.
Shakespearean: to shit or not to shit, that is the question.
Descartes: I shit therefore I am.
Terrorism: let's blow this shit up!
Freud: shit is a phallic symbol.
Lawyers: for enough money, I can get you out of shit.
Acupuncturists: hold still or this will hurt like shit.
Pharmacists: this will get your shit going.
Teachers: by the time I'm done with you, you will be able to shit linear equations!
Students: detention sucks like shit
Surgeons: stitch that shit up!
Electricians: shit goes off, shit goes on.
Plumbers: I'll get rid of your shit.
Politically-correct: internally processed, nutritionally-drained output happens.
Dog: I just shit in your shoe.
Cat: dogs are shit.
Mouse: Oh shit! a cat!
Einstein: shit is relative.
Newton: this shit is heavy!
Family Gathering: relatives are shit.
Materialism: whoever dies with the most shit wins!
Vegetarianism: if it shits then I don't eat it.
Fatalism: shit! Its going to happen!
Environmentalism: shit is biodegradable.
Americanism: who gives a shit.
Statistician: shit is 84.7% likely to happen.
Hip-hop: motherfucker this is the shiznit beatch!
Tantrism: fuck this shit.
Cynicism: we are all full of shit.
Surrealism: fish happens
Monday 24 September 2012
Stupid Fcucking Phone!
First of all I’d like to apologise to all my millions of fans out there. I know i havent been blogging for a while, and i guess you’re lives must’ve been miserable without me...
Dispite this inane silence there has been an unusal amount of excitement in my life not necessary alot more, or less than is the norm, just an unusal amount-many ne topics of discussion. The first of which is my pathetically incompetent phone.
you must understand that i am an adroid fan, lover, whorshipper, call it what you want, but being without it is painfull and unnecessary. a little while ago however, through a strange chain of events, i wound up with a phone not meant for me at all...
In order to save myself from a potential court case i cannot tell you the brand, nor the model of the piece of crap involved...so let's just call it a Strawberry 99thousand, ok?
so my old phone used to basically think FOR me, it woke me up every morning telling me what was going to happen in terms of sport, weather and my schedule. It used to remind me of events and it was in the process of teaching me how to cook real food- REAL FOOD-not soggy noodles and a luke-warm packet of baked beans...data was organized and accessable, uploading my latest poetry was effortless(and you know the words were all just for you my beloved old phone!)we were meant to be together forever. through the good and bad, making the planet a better place by organising the life of one dangerously forgetfull airhead. I could even conect to my parents wifi without them knowing and download porn(that was actually a slight addiction my old phone had) we were happy, and then he crashed.
My life came apart at the seams.
i was alone
i needed to replace him with something that would be able to complete me the way he did
but instead the only thing i found was something that would give me unlimited free internet...
i leapt at the incleadible opportunity!
now i realise i fell in shit.
This Strawberry might have granted me a cheaper sociality but it does not wake my up with te waether and sport, intead i hear a steamboat hoot as it charges me down out of dreamland and i find myself standing at the other end of the passage!
this adds an alarm clock to my shopping list.
the spellcheck is set to multi-ligual, which is great for multi-lingual people, not for me.
i have an autocorrect that gets me in trouble on the few occasions that it doesnt embarrass me. Errors include:
Groente (instead of Groete in afrikaans)
dat (instead of that)
DAT (instead of the average non-capitalized dat)
Dan (instead of than - again with the immortal capital letter D)
Green things (instead of Greetings)
jags -which means horny in afrikaans (instead of jugs)
socks -this word is just inserted into conversations randomly not replacing any other word, whether improperly or similary spelled or not...
NE (instead of ne)
and last but not least:
lesbian (instead of leaving) which is not very cool when you text one of your girlfriends saying your coming over for the weekend and your LEAVING after 4pm...
she was terrified of me that weekend...
the crappy Strawberry also has the knack of sensoring my english conversations with swear words from other lanuages...how dare he!
Fuck is often replaced with fok, fokk, fokkit, fokket, fokker, fokken, fokkin, forgery, forfeit, fcuck, fcuk, fook, fock, flock, fork, fornicate, joder, naai, neuken, neuk, opfok, fokjo, foku etc etc
i get annoyed with this as i prefer swearing in english...
Moral of the story: Droids eat strawberrys with meusli for fucking breakfast!
Chuck Norris uses Android too...
Dispite this inane silence there has been an unusal amount of excitement in my life not necessary alot more, or less than is the norm, just an unusal amount-many ne topics of discussion. The first of which is my pathetically incompetent phone.
you must understand that i am an adroid fan, lover, whorshipper, call it what you want, but being without it is painfull and unnecessary. a little while ago however, through a strange chain of events, i wound up with a phone not meant for me at all...
In order to save myself from a potential court case i cannot tell you the brand, nor the model of the piece of crap involved...so let's just call it a Strawberry 99thousand, ok?
so my old phone used to basically think FOR me, it woke me up every morning telling me what was going to happen in terms of sport, weather and my schedule. It used to remind me of events and it was in the process of teaching me how to cook real food- REAL FOOD-not soggy noodles and a luke-warm packet of baked beans...data was organized and accessable, uploading my latest poetry was effortless(and you know the words were all just for you my beloved old phone!)we were meant to be together forever. through the good and bad, making the planet a better place by organising the life of one dangerously forgetfull airhead. I could even conect to my parents wifi without them knowing and download porn(that was actually a slight addiction my old phone had) we were happy, and then he crashed.
My life came apart at the seams.
i was alone
i needed to replace him with something that would be able to complete me the way he did
but instead the only thing i found was something that would give me unlimited free internet...
i leapt at the incleadible opportunity!
now i realise i fell in shit.
This Strawberry might have granted me a cheaper sociality but it does not wake my up with te waether and sport, intead i hear a steamboat hoot as it charges me down out of dreamland and i find myself standing at the other end of the passage!
this adds an alarm clock to my shopping list.
the spellcheck is set to multi-ligual, which is great for multi-lingual people, not for me.
i have an autocorrect that gets me in trouble on the few occasions that it doesnt embarrass me. Errors include:
Groente (instead of Groete in afrikaans)
dat (instead of that)
DAT (instead of the average non-capitalized dat)
Dan (instead of than - again with the immortal capital letter D)
Green things (instead of Greetings)
jags -which means horny in afrikaans (instead of jugs)
socks -this word is just inserted into conversations randomly not replacing any other word, whether improperly or similary spelled or not...
NE (instead of ne)
and last but not least:
lesbian (instead of leaving) which is not very cool when you text one of your girlfriends saying your coming over for the weekend and your LEAVING after 4pm...
she was terrified of me that weekend...
the crappy Strawberry also has the knack of sensoring my english conversations with swear words from other lanuages...how dare he!
Fuck is often replaced with fok, fokk, fokkit, fokket, fokker, fokken, fokkin, forgery, forfeit, fcuck, fcuk, fook, fock, flock, fork, fornicate, joder, naai, neuken, neuk, opfok, fokjo, foku etc etc
i get annoyed with this as i prefer swearing in english...
Moral of the story: Droids eat strawberrys with meusli for fucking breakfast!
Chuck Norris uses Android too...
Friday 9 March 2012
13 questions THEY won't answer
1. Why do some Muslims believe that lying to a non-believer is not lying?
2. How many thousands of people are killed by prescription drugs every year?
3. Was the Wild West really all that wild?
4. Did Martin Luther King really oppose affirmative action?
5. What is the radiation level of a CAT scan?
6. Are lie detectors actually worthless for security screening?
7. When will the innumerable fakes in the world's museums be revealed to be fake?
8. Why did Pope Pius II, Aeneas Sylvius Piccolomini write an erotic book?
9. Why does the US Government lie about the number of terrorism convictions It obtains?
10. If the Korean war ended, what do you call what they are doing now?
11. When did Virginia colonists stop practicing cannibalism?
12. What is a "Picnic Tool"?
13. How many genetically engineered humans have already been born?
13. How many genetically engineered humans have already been born?
Thursday 8 March 2012
KONY2010
Do you know what's going on in the world?
Do you know whats going on in YOUR world?
You do - you claim to...
Do you know who Joseph Kony is?
You really don't know at all do you?
Watch it - It's worth the cap
...and by saying that i actually mean that its worth watching because you will see things you never thought to be possible.
It's actually worth more than you having your breakfast... its worth saving a child's LIFE!
The world as we know it is changing.
Do you know whats going on in your world?
Can you keep up with the change?
...or ARE you part of the change?
Do you know whats going on in YOUR world?
You do - you claim to...
Do you know who Joseph Kony is?
You really don't know at all do you?
Watch it - It's worth the cap
...and by saying that i actually mean that its worth watching because you will see things you never thought to be possible.
It's actually worth more than you having your breakfast... its worth saving a child's LIFE!
The world as we know it is changing.
Do you know whats going on in your world?
Can you keep up with the change?
...or ARE you part of the change?
Thursday 1 March 2012
mOrninG peRsoN
Ever get one of those days where you really struggle to keep your thoughts in check (not as described in "Thought Process") like being 'zoned-out' or brain-dead... usually this happens to me between the time i wake up and when i get in my car to go to work, but i don't try to fight it on Sundays... I will do things like:
Open the cupboard into my forehead (yes, literally).
Put face-wash on my toothbrush.
Pour milk into the kettle once the water has boiled (and boy do i need that coffee!).
Try to use lipstick as eyeliner.
Turn the tomato sauce cap with the hope that ground pepper will come out at the bottom.
Try opening a bottle of wine with a can opener.
(I know what you're thinking; it's terrible to have alcohol so early in the morning...especially when you have no idea how to work a corkscrew and you have to ask your sister to open the bottles for you before she goes to work and your left stranded with two unopened bottles of Allesverloren Port!!!)
Make my bed, only to realize afterwards that I forgot the flat sheet around my neck.
Put my dirty dishes in the fridge instead of putting them in the dishwasher.
Re-organizing the fridge so that there is room for my dirty dishes.
Sticking my sunglasses into my eye four times before putting it on properly. (FOUR TIMES!)
Get caught putting my dirty dishes in the fridge and reply with : "It's not my fault!"
Push the gate's button until the battery goes flat, waiting for the car to finally unlock.
Same error with the garage remote, but at least i realize I'm wrong and i quickly switch it to automatic before that battery dies too!
Turning the radio volume up when the radio is actually off.
So now you all know your pretty normal...don't deny it. You do this kinda stuff all the time too!
Open the cupboard into my forehead (yes, literally).
Put face-wash on my toothbrush.
Pour milk into the kettle once the water has boiled (and boy do i need that coffee!).
Try to use lipstick as eyeliner.
Turn the tomato sauce cap with the hope that ground pepper will come out at the bottom.
Try opening a bottle of wine with a can opener.
(I know what you're thinking; it's terrible to have alcohol so early in the morning...especially when you have no idea how to work a corkscrew and you have to ask your sister to open the bottles for you before she goes to work and your left stranded with two unopened bottles of Allesverloren Port!!!)
Make my bed, only to realize afterwards that I forgot the flat sheet around my neck.
Put my dirty dishes in the fridge instead of putting them in the dishwasher.
Re-organizing the fridge so that there is room for my dirty dishes.
Sticking my sunglasses into my eye four times before putting it on properly. (FOUR TIMES!)
Get caught putting my dirty dishes in the fridge and reply with : "It's not my fault!"
Push the gate's button until the battery goes flat, waiting for the car to finally unlock.
Same error with the garage remote, but at least i realize I'm wrong and i quickly switch it to automatic before that battery dies too!
Turning the radio volume up when the radio is actually off.
So now you all know your pretty normal...don't deny it. You do this kinda stuff all the time too!
Monday 27 February 2012
whO's a cHubBy buNny?!
My Mother, Sister and
I were all born within the same three days, and although we are worlds apart in
personality and character, we share the three traits everyone seems to notice
most.
We have the same sense of humour, the same self-induced joy
and happiness and the same laugh.
Lulu and I where helping mom clean the kitchen after dinner
one evening, when mom offered us some marsh-mellows... now at this point all
three of us were stuffed to bursting point, as is the custom in my family and on
top of that we had desert aleady (This does NOT mean any one of us has excess
weight to prove that we overeat, because we metabolize our food too
efficiently-which actually means that we aren’t over eating either...we just
eat a LOT more than other people do)
So both my sister and I politely declined our share of the
marsh-mellows(exactly as our mother had taught us to do in public) and then the
smiling gave way to sputtering rage... an elaborate display by our dear mother,
for entertainment purposes of course...
She ripped the tub of
sweets out from under out noses and glowered
“Ungrateful children!” she hissed. “Must I do everything for
you?!”
Lulu and I were frozen in place, uncomprehending.
Then she pushed a marsh-mellow into her mouth, contorting her
face as though it were a frog
I looked at Lulu in time to see her flash me the same
stunned expression.
Simultaneously we started to speak, eager to have the
marsh-mellows if it would relieve our mother in any way, but before we could
she protested:
“No, don’t worry! I will do it!” She couldn’t help smiling
then “I will eat your desert for you!”
Once the realization hit that she was joking, we turned the
joke back on her, stuffing the marsh-mellows into her mouth by the hand-full
while chanting:
“Who’s a chubby bunny? WHO’S A CHUBBY BUNNY?!”
All three of us were red-faced with laughter when Dad
returned to the kitchen.
Through the embarrassed explanations, I’m not sure whether
he actually caught on to what we were saying, and I’m not sure if he really
wanted to either...
Saturday 25 February 2012
dRinkiNg sKills
...also known as drinking problems, i guess...but it depends who's side you take.
I know a few people who think they have serious drinking problems simply because they CANNOT BEAR to have their dinner without the glass of Tall Horse Merlot (Note to dad: Not 'Tall Whores"!) this is not, according to me, classified as a problem or skill at all...it's completely normal!
Others have no problem with drinking whatsoever! They could do it the whole day every day without even complaining about the hangovers afterwards.Their friends and family on the other hand, have lots the ability to keep up and thus call him an alcoholic...this is known as the "Family-Drinking" problem.
Sadly the most common of drinking problems is considered a skill. When a man is able to prove his loyalty and dedication to his football team, simply by pointing out his beer belly...this is called the "Heavy-Drinking" problem.
How dare that bottle of Olmeca tempt you so!
***footnote: not that i believe Enrique Iglesias is really gay, but no legitimate evidence has been given to state the contrary... plus, he does really sing like a girl.
I know a few people who think they have serious drinking problems simply because they CANNOT BEAR to have their dinner without the glass of Tall Horse Merlot (Note to dad: Not 'Tall Whores"!) this is not, according to me, classified as a problem or skill at all...it's completely normal!
Others have no problem with drinking whatsoever! They could do it the whole day every day without even complaining about the hangovers afterwards.Their friends and family on the other hand, have lots the ability to keep up and thus call him an alcoholic...this is known as the "Family-Drinking" problem.
Sadly the most common of drinking problems is considered a skill. When a man is able to prove his loyalty and dedication to his football team, simply by pointing out his beer belly...this is called the "Heavy-Drinking" problem.
Sometimes, more often when a guy of Latin decent introduces his girlfriend to his family for the first time, they are so excited that he isn't following in the footsteps of Enrique Iglesias by developing homosexual tenancies *** and/or the uncontrollable urge to sing like a girl (which would have scared the girlfriend off ages ago), that they go over board with the Sangria. This scares the girl off anyway and eventually the poor Latino bloke is forced into bringing either a guy or an alcoholic for the next attempt at dating... this is known as the "Drinking-Family"...and its definitely a problem!
Then there are the drinking skills...most of which can only be pulled off by a Mexican wearing a Sombrero...
Other people get alcohol poisoning from spiked drinks or mixing the wrong kind of drinks...but these Sombrero-wearing-show-off's get it because they ate too many agave worms after emptying the bottles...this is known as the "Worm-Drinking" Skill.
Then there are the drinking skills...most of which can only be pulled off by a Mexican wearing a Sombrero...
Other people get alcohol poisoning from spiked drinks or mixing the wrong kind of drinks...but these Sombrero-wearing-show-off's get it because they ate too many agave worms after emptying the bottles...this is known as the "Worm-Drinking" Skill.
Ever heard a girl say: "Tequila is my best friend!'? Stay away from such girls. They are wild and insane and controlling you in all the bad ways and tequila is only her best friend until the next
morning-then it becomes the jackass that put it's hoof through her head!
The outcome is known as the "No-Passout" Skill, where you actually succeed in drinking enough to kill yourself without passing out first...
Alternately, be sure to have her back home before she starts to hurl her lungs out...that way you would have achieved the "Played-No-Passout" Skill without becoming Suspect number one for her murder.
Then there's the "Mutated-Hangover-Survival" Skill...pretty self explanatory, usually happens when the "No-Passout" Skill is underachieved...
Finally there is the "GODDRINKS". I have yet to decide whether is should be counted as a skill or as a problem. The devil keeps telling me to make it a skill...
The "GODDRINKS" can only ever be achieved when you stroll into heaven with your poncho and half-drunk bottle(at this stage you would have lost your sombrero to some or other hot chick in stiletto's), after accidentally succeeding in the "No-Passout" during your attempt at the "Worm-Drinking" and/or "Played-No-Passout" Skill, and then you convince Saint Peter to let you into the pearly gates by saying that you HAVE TO deliver this half-empty bottle of Olmeca Gold to God so that he may punish it for making you sin!!!
The outcome is known as the "No-Passout" Skill, where you actually succeed in drinking enough to kill yourself without passing out first...
Alternately, be sure to have her back home before she starts to hurl her lungs out...that way you would have achieved the "Played-No-Passout" Skill without becoming Suspect number one for her murder.
Then there's the "Mutated-Hangover-Survival" Skill...pretty self explanatory, usually happens when the "No-Passout" Skill is underachieved...
Finally there is the "GODDRINKS". I have yet to decide whether is should be counted as a skill or as a problem. The devil keeps telling me to make it a skill...
The "GODDRINKS" can only ever be achieved when you stroll into heaven with your poncho and half-drunk bottle(at this stage you would have lost your sombrero to some or other hot chick in stiletto's), after accidentally succeeding in the "No-Passout" during your attempt at the "Worm-Drinking" and/or "Played-No-Passout" Skill, and then you convince Saint Peter to let you into the pearly gates by saying that you HAVE TO deliver this half-empty bottle of Olmeca Gold to God so that he may punish it for making you sin!!!
How dare that bottle of Olmeca tempt you so!
Thursday 23 February 2012
Farmgirl Looks
So I got to thinking the other day... where the hell did the sexy farmgirl/cowgirl look come from? according to my knowledge (which is pretty extensive when it comes to girls, seeing as i have personal experience being one and also life-long experience in the farming community) a farmgirl has way too much other stuff to do than to ever have time to fuss over hair and make-up... and there are just too many obstacles that can break nails and cause scratches and bruises.
... take for example our pets... my parents have 5dogs(3 are members of the family-the other 2 used to be
too, but they now prefer living with my grandfather whom lodges in a flat on the same property, whom is actually dangerous in extremity! There are also 2ostriches, innumerable cats, a lot of fish,
squirrels that don't pay rent (many other people feel the same way about rats) and a few thousand chickens...my parents live on
a farm by the way...
To those of you who have never been on a farm, or whom lacks decent education, farms are no longer the same kind of thing you see in the movies...there's no overdose of tranquility as there is in the wide open field that i imagine you're imagining now, with the white lambs grazing and bonking in the distance... There are no immaculate oxen being herded by a younger, more muscled version of Robert Redford. There aren't any prancing ponies and brilliantly colored roosters cresting the roof to crow in the mornings... No this is not the film-industry's country-side.
This is the REAL world, where a farm-girl looks like chicken-shit almost as much as she smells like it... and to her that it the smell of money.
This is where you get dirty, really dirty and nothing about this kind of dirty turns anyone on (or at least not anyone sane)...
Chores and errands is something that takes up about one and a half hours of the average city-slicker-kid's life, yet they find something to complain about...
Now the kid who grows up on the farm has his life overruled by chores.
04:30 Eat breakfast, let the dogs in; feed the cats; turn the water-pump on; feed and milk the cows (12cows ought to do it); take them into the field to graze; brush the horses; fill the truck with diesel; load the shavings and drive them to the chicken-houses; turn the irrigation on for the spinach, lettuce and marrows; fill the silo's; unlock the gates and farm-stall; turn the pack-house equipment on; feed the geese...etc.
08:00 school sucks!
14:10 Lunch.
15:00 Change the shavings in the stables; turn the irrigation on for the wines, apple orchard tomatoes and onions; feed the horses; get eggs, vaccinate the sheep; harvest the corn, oil the wind-mill; turn the compost heap, feed the pigs, hook the plow onto the tractor; feed the fish; milk the goat, level the driveway; pick the peppers, cashews and strawberries; weigh chicken mortality; pack out soap blocks; unhook the plow; spray the plum trees; wash the boots and overalls; load the chicken manure; barter the chicken manure...etc.
18:00 Homework.
19:00 Feed the dogs and ostriches; lock the gates and the farm-stall; berate grandpa for shooting at visitors(he likes to sit with his shotgun aimed at the driveway but then he falls asleep...when visitors arrive he starts awake and accidentally pulls the trigger-that's what i meant by saying he's "dangerous in extremity"...); turn off the pack-house equipment, water-pump and irrigation; take the cows and horses back into the stables; drain out the truck's diesel(otherwise it will get stolen by the kids who live on the farm next-door to use in their home-built go-cart racing); let the dogs out..etc.
21:00 beg for another glass of Shiraz.
22:00 Wind up stuffed and passed out on a bed somehow.
So to get back to the actual point of this blog...where the sexy farmgirl look comes from is deyond me!
Sunday 19 February 2012
Jack Swimming(odd sight)
So i rate it's about time i introduce myself properly to you all... you can call me Lex, i come from a tiny town in the driest, most unfriendly and also the most corrupt province in South-Africa...the hole of holes if you will...life for me obviously didn't start here but i'm not going to go further back than my current surroundings...i'm too lazy. Jack (my brother) and Mel(Jack's fiance) came to visit over the weekend in celebration of his Birthday...We went to a nature reserve which features a lake and campsite for fishing and boating and swimming and whatever you want a lake-side tent for... Jack was obviously there to swim(not that we don't have a pool in pristine condition back home...) because within 10minutes of your arrival he was swimming to the other side of the lake...During his absence the conversation went something like this:
LEX: Do you-guys think he is going to make it back?
MEL: Of course he will! i hope so...can you see him?
DAD: There he is...maybe we should have timed him...
MOM: Oh yes! That's a great idea! We'll have to do that when he starts swimming back!
LEX: IF he starts swimming back...
MEL: Does anyone feel raindrops?
MOM: Yes.
DAD: No.
LEX: Shall we start packing up then?
MEL: No! Where's Jack? Can you see him?
LEX: nope, maybe he got run over by a boat...
DAD: The wind is starting to pick up...Maybe we ought to get home soon.
MEL: No, what about Jack?!
LEX: He's already wet, Mel!
MEL: But we just got here...!
DAD: As did the rain...
MOM: Did anyone bring any towels?
DAD: No.
MEL: Oh i didn't think of that...
LEX: That's funny, considering you are ALL wearing swimsuits.
MOM: Im going to walk to the jetti...maybe Jack can hear us from there, Mel?
MEL: Okay, i'm coming.
DAD: Tell him to hurry up! ...Anyone seen the car keys?
MOM: Check between your legs, love.
DAD: Found them!
LEX: Well i'm going to sit in the car, no point hanging around with white pants on...
DAD: Ought to leave him behind, the walk home would do him good.
LEX: I don't think his smoker-lungs are going to last...
DAD: Well i sure as hell am not going to fetch him on the other side.
LEX: Don't worry, Mel will...She'll probably borrow one of these fishermen's boats.
DAD: And fish him out?
LEX: If she can find him... Watch that boat... i don't think they can see him in the water...
DAD: Oh yeah, that's not very good.
MOM: Look what I found! Those people having the picnic in the camp next to ours left foiled potatoes in the fire...anyone want one?
LEX: Are they still hot?
DAD: No love, you can't take someone else's food!
MOM: They left about 20minutes ago, i don't think they are going to drive back to get four potatoes
MEL: I'm fine thanks...
LEX: Do we have salt and pepper?
MEL: Do you think the fishermen would let us borrow one of their boats?
LEX: No.
DAD: I wouldn't.
MOM: You need not worry about Jack, honey, he's a big boy now...
LEX: A big boy? really mom; i haven't noticed...
JACK: Did you see that?!
MOM: Yes my boy! you did great!
MEL: Thank god your back alive...
DAD: Actually we were just leaving so your right on time, Jack.
JACK: Aww, but we just got here dad!
LEX: Do you-guys think he is going to make it back?
MEL: Of course he will! i hope so...can you see him?
DAD: There he is...maybe we should have timed him...
MOM: Oh yes! That's a great idea! We'll have to do that when he starts swimming back!
LEX: IF he starts swimming back...
MEL: Does anyone feel raindrops?
MOM: Yes.
DAD: No.
LEX: Shall we start packing up then?
MEL: No! Where's Jack? Can you see him?
LEX: nope, maybe he got run over by a boat...
DAD: The wind is starting to pick up...Maybe we ought to get home soon.
MEL: No, what about Jack?!
LEX: He's already wet, Mel!
MEL: But we just got here...!
DAD: As did the rain...
MOM: Did anyone bring any towels?
DAD: No.
MEL: Oh i didn't think of that...
LEX: That's funny, considering you are ALL wearing swimsuits.
MOM: Im going to walk to the jetti...maybe Jack can hear us from there, Mel?
MEL: Okay, i'm coming.
DAD: Tell him to hurry up! ...Anyone seen the car keys?
MOM: Check between your legs, love.
DAD: Found them!
LEX: Well i'm going to sit in the car, no point hanging around with white pants on...
DAD: Ought to leave him behind, the walk home would do him good.
LEX: I don't think his smoker-lungs are going to last...
DAD: Well i sure as hell am not going to fetch him on the other side.
LEX: Don't worry, Mel will...She'll probably borrow one of these fishermen's boats.
DAD: And fish him out?
LEX: If she can find him... Watch that boat... i don't think they can see him in the water...
DAD: Oh yeah, that's not very good.
MOM: Look what I found! Those people having the picnic in the camp next to ours left foiled potatoes in the fire...anyone want one?
LEX: Are they still hot?
DAD: No love, you can't take someone else's food!
MOM: They left about 20minutes ago, i don't think they are going to drive back to get four potatoes
MEL: I'm fine thanks...
LEX: Do we have salt and pepper?
MEL: Do you think the fishermen would let us borrow one of their boats?
LEX: No.
DAD: I wouldn't.
MOM: You need not worry about Jack, honey, he's a big boy now...
LEX: A big boy? really mom; i haven't noticed...
JACK: Did you see that?!
MOM: Yes my boy! you did great!
MEL: Thank god your back alive...
DAD: Actually we were just leaving so your right on time, Jack.
JACK: Aww, but we just got here dad!
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