dRinkiNg sKills

...also known as drinking problems, i guess...but it depends who's side you take.
I know a few people who think they have serious drinking problems simply because they CANNOT BEAR to have their dinner without the glass of Tall Horse Merlot (Note to dad: Not 'Tall Whores"!) this is not, according to me, classified as a problem or skill at all...it's completely normal!


Others have no problem with drinking whatsoever! They could do it the whole day every day without even complaining about the hangovers afterwards.Their friends and family on the other hand, have lots the ability to keep up and thus call him an alcoholic...this is known as the "Family-Drinking" problem.


Sadly the most common of drinking problems is considered a skill. When a man is able to prove his loyalty and dedication to his football team, simply by pointing out his beer belly...this is called the "Heavy-Drinking" problem.

Sometimes, more often when a guy of Latin decent introduces his girlfriend to his family for the first time, they are so excited that he isn't following in the footsteps of Enrique Iglesias by developing homosexual tenancies *** and/or the uncontrollable urge to sing like a girl (which would have scared the girlfriend off ages ago), that they go over board with the Sangria. This scares the girl off anyway and eventually the poor Latino bloke is forced into bringing either a guy or an alcoholic for the next attempt at dating... this is known as the "Drinking-Family"...and its definitely a problem!


Then there are the drinking skills...most of which can only be pulled off by a Mexican wearing a Sombrero...


Other people get alcohol poisoning from spiked drinks or mixing the wrong kind of drinks...but these Sombrero-wearing-show-off's get it because they ate too many agave worms after emptying the bottles...this is known as the "Worm-Drinking" Skill.

Ever heard a girl say: "Tequila is my best friend!'? Stay away from such girls. They are wild and insane and controlling you in all the bad ways and tequila is only her best friend until the next morning-then it becomes the jackass that put it's hoof through her head!
The outcome is known as the "No-Passout" Skill, where you actually succeed in drinking enough to kill yourself without passing out first...
Alternately, be sure to have her back home before she starts to hurl her lungs out...that way you would have achieved the "Played-No-Passout" Skill without becoming Suspect number one for her murder.


Then there's the "Mutated-Hangover-Survival" Skill...pretty self explanatory, usually happens when the "No-Passout" Skill is underachieved...


Finally there is the "GODDRINKS". I have yet to decide whether is should be counted as a skill or as a problem. The devil keeps telling me to make it a skill...


The "GODDRINKS" can only ever be achieved when you stroll into heaven with your poncho and half-drunk bottle(at this stage you would have lost your sombrero to some or other hot chick in stiletto's), after accidentally succeeding in the "No-Passout" during your attempt at the "Worm-Drinking" and/or "Played-No-Passout" Skill, and then you convince Saint Peter to let you into the pearly gates by saying that you HAVE TO deliver this half-empty bottle of Olmeca Gold to God so that he may punish it for making you sin!!!

How dare that bottle of Olmeca tempt you so!

***footnote: not that i believe Enrique Iglesias is really gay, but no legitimate evidence has been given to state the contrary... plus, he does really sing like a girl.