Can you spot the ninja?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Who wrote the book "dripping matress"?
I.P. Nightly.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."
I hate that awkward feeling when your speaking to the person next to you while holding a call and then realize the person on the other end has been listening to you all along...
Never buy a car you can't push.
Why do you never see the headline: "psychic wins lottery"?
How do you even get to the point where you find yourself trying to outrun the cops in broad daylight without a stitch of clothing?
Sometimes when I get bored, I text a random number "ok, I hid the body, what now?"
No honey, of course I didn't just want to get you in bed that night when I met you...I wanted to get you in bed on a regular basis!
Who wrote the book "Hole in the bed"?
Mister Completely.
Sometimes I miss you so much that I wish I could remember where I hid your body...
Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?
I think I think too much...or at least I think about thinking too much too much!
There's an alien living in the toater! Everytime I put bread in he zaps it with his super-sonic-ultra-violet lazer gun and burns the hell out of it!
I'm a cereal killer...I've taken them all out: korn flakes, cocopops, bran, rice crispies... Fruit loops is next
All fun things I like in life are either immoral, illegal, expensive, fattening or impossible...
Teacher: if you had ten cookies and someone asked you for two cookies, how many would you have?
Me: Ten.
Teacher: okay, what if someone forcibly took two of your cookies? How many would you have then?
Me: Ten... And one dead body.
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone
I used to think you where Santa's little helper because of all the weird shit you get up to... But now I know you are!
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Who wrote the book 'FEED ME' ?
Simon's cat -no really, google it!
How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler
Weather prediction for this weekend: sunny with a slight west-eastern and the SNOT KLAPPED out of the stormers...
If I start to snore while your talking shit, please don't wake me...
My buddies wanted to be firemen, farmers or policemen, something like that. Not me, I just wanted to steal people's money! - John Dillinger
Bunnies are evil!
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.
Sometimes I think that if I was meant to fly I would have wings...but then I realize hoW stupid that sounds and I fly anyway.
I hate that awkward feeling when your roommate puts the light on while your jerking off to the Flinstones.
I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone
When your gecko is broken you have a reptile dysfunction
I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.
I have kleptomania, but if it gets bad I take something for it.
Your security is not in the hands of Kerry, Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own hands. - Osama bin Laden
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except that one where your naked in church.
Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are french, and its all organized by the Swiss.
Suicidal twin kills her sister by mistake.
My short term memory is not what it used to be,
Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
A bartender is just a pharmacists with a limited inventory.
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect;
Therefore I am perfect!
Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen million surnames.
Dyslexics have more NUB!
When you work here you name your own salary...I named mine Fred.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Red Meat isn't bad for you, fussy green meat is bad for you.
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car on 280 Interstate driving on the wrong side of the road. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the pretty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Who wrote the book "Spots on the wall"?
I.P. Standing.
No, of course you didn't spot the ninja, you wallnut!
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