Hazards

The little triangle button in your car that keeps you out of harm's way? No, I don't think so! For a while now I have seen people using their hazards excessively and whether they are uneducated or drawn to triangular buttons is not yet clear.

Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!

Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...

I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!

How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?

It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!

So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:

1.    Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.

2.    Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.    The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4.    Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5.    Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6.    Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7.    Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'

8.    Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9.    Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10.  Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.