Can you spot the ninja?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Who wrote the book "dripping matress"?
I.P. Nightly.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."
I hate that awkward feeling when your speaking to the person next to you while holding a call and then realize the person on the other end has been listening to you all along...
Never buy a car you can't push.
Why do you never see the headline: "psychic wins lottery"?
How do you even get to the point where you find yourself trying to outrun the cops in broad daylight without a stitch of clothing?
Sometimes when I get bored, I text a random number "ok, I hid the body, what now?"
No honey, of course I didn't just want to get you in bed that night when I met you...I wanted to get you in bed on a regular basis!
Who wrote the book "Hole in the bed"?
Mister Completely.
Sometimes I miss you so much that I wish I could remember where I hid your body...
Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?
I think I think too much...or at least I think about thinking too much too much!
There's an alien living in the toater! Everytime I put bread in he zaps it with his super-sonic-ultra-violet lazer gun and burns the hell out of it!
I'm a cereal killer...I've taken them all out: korn flakes, cocopops, bran, rice crispies... Fruit loops is next
All fun things I like in life are either immoral, illegal, expensive, fattening or impossible...
Teacher: if you had ten cookies and someone asked you for two cookies, how many would you have?
Me: Ten.
Teacher: okay, what if someone forcibly took two of your cookies? How many would you have then?
Me: Ten... And one dead body.
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone
I used to think you where Santa's little helper because of all the weird shit you get up to... But now I know you are!
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace fucku peace
peace peace peace peace peace
Who wrote the book 'FEED ME' ?
Simon's cat -no really, google it!
How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler
Weather prediction for this weekend: sunny with a slight west-eastern and the SNOT KLAPPED out of the stormers...
If I start to snore while your talking shit, please don't wake me...
My buddies wanted to be firemen, farmers or policemen, something like that. Not me, I just wanted to steal people's money! - John Dillinger
Bunnies are evil!
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.
Sometimes I think that if I was meant to fly I would have wings...but then I realize hoW stupid that sounds and I fly anyway.
I hate that awkward feeling when your roommate puts the light on while your jerking off to the Flinstones.
I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone
When your gecko is broken you have a reptile dysfunction
I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.
I have kleptomania, but if it gets bad I take something for it.
Your security is not in the hands of Kerry, Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own hands. - Osama bin Laden
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except that one where your naked in church.
Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are french, and its all organized by the Swiss.
Suicidal twin kills her sister by mistake.
My short term memory is not what it used to be,
Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
A bartender is just a pharmacists with a limited inventory.
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect;
Therefore I am perfect!
Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen million surnames.
Dyslexics have more NUB!
When you work here you name your own salary...I named mine Fred.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Red Meat isn't bad for you, fussy green meat is bad for you.
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car on 280 Interstate driving on the wrong side of the road. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the pretty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Who wrote the book "Spots on the wall"?
I.P. Standing.
No, of course you didn't spot the ninja, you wallnut!
Monday, 24 December 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Put Her in Charge!
If this girl were on the ballot I bet most of us would vote for her and be thrilled to do so. The apathy with which many view our next opportunity to this privilege of democracy is that there is not a "neither of the above" to select.
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living"
This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion:
Put me in charge . . ..
Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, take away and junk food, then get a job.
Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.
Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or xBox 360, then get a job and your own place.
Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someone's "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
BRING ON THE REVOLUTION.
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living"
This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion:
Put me in charge . . ..
Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, take away and junk food, then get a job.
Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.
Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or xBox 360, then get a job and your own place.
Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someone's "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
BRING ON THE REVOLUTION.
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Hazards
The little triangle button in your car that keeps you out of harm's way? No, I don't think so! For a while now I have seen people using their hazards excessively and whether they are uneducated or drawn to triangular buttons is not yet clear.
Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!
Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...
I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!
How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?
It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!
So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:
1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!
Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...
I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!
How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?
It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!
So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:
1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
The Original Ginger
Love 'em, hate 'em...These are the only people whom have hair that wil never blend into their natural surroundings...allow me to introduce the Ginger!
The Ginger: known to all mankind as the flame-head, red-head, or that hot-tempered girl whom works in the finance department but never really does finance...it can be spotted from a distance by it's bright mane and serious lack of understanding when it comes to the ginger concept...it looks like its on fire, but there's no smoke-this is the cause of wide-spread confusion in the human society
The Ginger Concept: the theory that Gingers were brought to the earth by an alien race and are in fact not entirely human...they are often placed in their very own catagory with their own personalised brand of cats (ginger cats)
The Ginga-Ninja: any ginger whom is brave enough to allow the world to see it's true nature by eXposing the colour of their hair folicles, is known as a ginga-ninja...it takes more courage for a ginger to expose itself than it takes a pizza delivery guy to charge a rhino head-on!
The Ginger-Hugger: a tree hugger that pretends to be indifferent toward the social standards and regulations of gingers...ie. They pretend to like red-heads.
The Ginger Bread Man: a religious symbol whorshipped by all gingers(whether or not they like to admit it to a human)...baked and decorated all year round but always in secret in fear that a human might come across and eat their gingerbread men...they also have an involuntary hiccup reflex when they see humans eating their(or another ginger's) gingerbread man...
Ginger Beer: a substance secreted by gingers during exercise (the equivalent of human sweat)...it is better not to try stealing gingerbeer from gingers...it is thought to have a very unstable chemical balance and might annihilate at the slightest change in pressure if not handled by a ginger. Gingerbeer is the main fuel in the undisclosed weapon of mass destruction which the US claimed was being kept in Iraq...
Ginger cats: any regular cat which has undergone genetic mutation(which can only be accomplished by a gingerbread man whorshipper or red-head) to take on a similar colour...this is a very likely sight as red-heads are supporting ginger cats in their mission to take over the cat world!
G-string: another one of the inventions brought into the world by gingers. An utterly unusable contraption to any normal human, but gingers prefer wearing them as undergarments, much like the humans wear knickers and briefs...
The G-spot: the human concept of climax is sadly unattainable to gingers, therefore they created the illusion of a g-spot which gives them the false hope that if the exact spot is touched they will experience an orgasm...to ease the disappointment, they just tell themselves that the g-spot is constantly out of reach...
Ginger: a herb often used to flavour curries or tea, aid in weightloss and digestion and sliced into bath water to help revitelize the skin.
Stoney: legalized trade of watered-down ginger beer to keep humans from seeking out and stealing real gingerbeer.
The abovementioned is not a work of fiction, think twice US! You do not want to find that can of gingerbeer!!!
The Ginger: known to all mankind as the flame-head, red-head, or that hot-tempered girl whom works in the finance department but never really does finance...it can be spotted from a distance by it's bright mane and serious lack of understanding when it comes to the ginger concept...it looks like its on fire, but there's no smoke-this is the cause of wide-spread confusion in the human society
The Ginger Concept: the theory that Gingers were brought to the earth by an alien race and are in fact not entirely human...they are often placed in their very own catagory with their own personalised brand of cats (ginger cats)
The Ginga-Ninja: any ginger whom is brave enough to allow the world to see it's true nature by eXposing the colour of their hair folicles, is known as a ginga-ninja...it takes more courage for a ginger to expose itself than it takes a pizza delivery guy to charge a rhino head-on!
The Ginger-Hugger: a tree hugger that pretends to be indifferent toward the social standards and regulations of gingers...ie. They pretend to like red-heads.
The Ginger Bread Man: a religious symbol whorshipped by all gingers(whether or not they like to admit it to a human)...baked and decorated all year round but always in secret in fear that a human might come across and eat their gingerbread men...they also have an involuntary hiccup reflex when they see humans eating their(or another ginger's) gingerbread man...
Ginger Beer: a substance secreted by gingers during exercise (the equivalent of human sweat)...it is better not to try stealing gingerbeer from gingers...it is thought to have a very unstable chemical balance and might annihilate at the slightest change in pressure if not handled by a ginger. Gingerbeer is the main fuel in the undisclosed weapon of mass destruction which the US claimed was being kept in Iraq...
Ginger cats: any regular cat which has undergone genetic mutation(which can only be accomplished by a gingerbread man whorshipper or red-head) to take on a similar colour...this is a very likely sight as red-heads are supporting ginger cats in their mission to take over the cat world!
G-string: another one of the inventions brought into the world by gingers. An utterly unusable contraption to any normal human, but gingers prefer wearing them as undergarments, much like the humans wear knickers and briefs...
The G-spot: the human concept of climax is sadly unattainable to gingers, therefore they created the illusion of a g-spot which gives them the false hope that if the exact spot is touched they will experience an orgasm...to ease the disappointment, they just tell themselves that the g-spot is constantly out of reach...
Ginger: a herb often used to flavour curries or tea, aid in weightloss and digestion and sliced into bath water to help revitelize the skin.
Stoney: legalized trade of watered-down ginger beer to keep humans from seeking out and stealing real gingerbeer.
The abovementioned is not a work of fiction, think twice US! You do not want to find that can of gingerbeer!!!
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Shit Happens
Taoism: if you understand shit, it isn't shit.
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucious say 'shit happens'.
Buddhism: shit will happen to you again.
7th day Adventist: shit happens on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of ahit happening?
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Sikhism: leave our shit alone.
Jehova's witness: Knock knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Agnosticism: can you prove that shit happens?
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: shit happens, amen to that.
Judaism: why does shit always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism: so shit happens, already.
Televangelism: send money, or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarianism: let's smoke this shit.
Hare Krishna: shit happens, rama rama ding ding.
Nation of Islam: don't take no shit.
New Age: visualize shit happening.
Shintoism: you inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Hedonism: I love it when shit happens.
Satanism: sneppah this.
Capitalism: this is MY shit.
Feminism: men are shit!
Unitarian: what is this shit?
Existentialism: what is shit, anyway?
Scientology: if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137
Mormonism: Shit happens again and again and again.
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen, we make it happen!
Wicca: you can make shit happen, but shit will happen to you three times.
Disneyism: bad shit doesn't happen here.
Communism: let's share the shit.
Marxism: you've got nothing to lose but your shit.
Conspiracy Theorism: THEY shit on us!
Psycho-Analysis: tell me about your shit.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Armish: Modern shit is useless.
Suicidal: I've had enough of this shit
Optimism: shit won't happen to me!
Trekism: to boldly shit where no-one has shit before.
Shakespearean: to shit or not to shit, that is the question.
Descartes: I shit therefore I am.
Terrorism: let's blow this shit up!
Freud: shit is a phallic symbol.
Lawyers: for enough money, I can get you out of shit.
Acupuncturists: hold still or this will hurt like shit.
Pharmacists: this will get your shit going.
Teachers: by the time I'm done with you, you will be able to shit linear equations!
Students: detention sucks like shit
Surgeons: stitch that shit up!
Electricians: shit goes off, shit goes on.
Plumbers: I'll get rid of your shit.
Politically-correct: internally processed, nutritionally-drained output happens.
Dog: I just shit in your shoe.
Cat: dogs are shit.
Mouse: Oh shit! a cat!
Einstein: shit is relative.
Newton: this shit is heavy!
Family Gathering: relatives are shit.
Materialism: whoever dies with the most shit wins!
Vegetarianism: if it shits then I don't eat it.
Fatalism: shit! Its going to happen!
Environmentalism: shit is biodegradable.
Americanism: who gives a shit.
Statistician: shit is 84.7% likely to happen.
Hip-hop: motherfucker this is the shiznit beatch!
Tantrism: fuck this shit.
Cynicism: we are all full of shit.
Surrealism: fish happens
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucious say 'shit happens'.
Buddhism: shit will happen to you again.
7th day Adventist: shit happens on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of ahit happening?
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Sikhism: leave our shit alone.
Jehova's witness: Knock knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Agnosticism: can you prove that shit happens?
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: shit happens, amen to that.
Judaism: why does shit always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism: so shit happens, already.
Televangelism: send money, or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarianism: let's smoke this shit.
Hare Krishna: shit happens, rama rama ding ding.
Nation of Islam: don't take no shit.
New Age: visualize shit happening.
Shintoism: you inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Hedonism: I love it when shit happens.
Satanism: sneppah this.
Capitalism: this is MY shit.
Feminism: men are shit!
Unitarian: what is this shit?
Existentialism: what is shit, anyway?
Scientology: if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137
Mormonism: Shit happens again and again and again.
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen, we make it happen!
Wicca: you can make shit happen, but shit will happen to you three times.
Disneyism: bad shit doesn't happen here.
Communism: let's share the shit.
Marxism: you've got nothing to lose but your shit.
Conspiracy Theorism: THEY shit on us!
Psycho-Analysis: tell me about your shit.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Armish: Modern shit is useless.
Suicidal: I've had enough of this shit
Optimism: shit won't happen to me!
Trekism: to boldly shit where no-one has shit before.
Shakespearean: to shit or not to shit, that is the question.
Descartes: I shit therefore I am.
Terrorism: let's blow this shit up!
Freud: shit is a phallic symbol.
Lawyers: for enough money, I can get you out of shit.
Acupuncturists: hold still or this will hurt like shit.
Pharmacists: this will get your shit going.
Teachers: by the time I'm done with you, you will be able to shit linear equations!
Students: detention sucks like shit
Surgeons: stitch that shit up!
Electricians: shit goes off, shit goes on.
Plumbers: I'll get rid of your shit.
Politically-correct: internally processed, nutritionally-drained output happens.
Dog: I just shit in your shoe.
Cat: dogs are shit.
Mouse: Oh shit! a cat!
Einstein: shit is relative.
Newton: this shit is heavy!
Family Gathering: relatives are shit.
Materialism: whoever dies with the most shit wins!
Vegetarianism: if it shits then I don't eat it.
Fatalism: shit! Its going to happen!
Environmentalism: shit is biodegradable.
Americanism: who gives a shit.
Statistician: shit is 84.7% likely to happen.
Hip-hop: motherfucker this is the shiznit beatch!
Tantrism: fuck this shit.
Cynicism: we are all full of shit.
Surrealism: fish happens
Monday, 24 September 2012
Stupid Fcucking Phone!
First of all I’d like to apologise to all my millions of fans out there. I know i havent been blogging for a while, and i guess you’re lives must’ve been miserable without me...
Dispite this inane silence there has been an unusal amount of excitement in my life not necessary alot more, or less than is the norm, just an unusal amount-many ne topics of discussion. The first of which is my pathetically incompetent phone.
you must understand that i am an adroid fan, lover, whorshipper, call it what you want, but being without it is painfull and unnecessary. a little while ago however, through a strange chain of events, i wound up with a phone not meant for me at all...
In order to save myself from a potential court case i cannot tell you the brand, nor the model of the piece of crap involved...so let's just call it a Strawberry 99thousand, ok?
so my old phone used to basically think FOR me, it woke me up every morning telling me what was going to happen in terms of sport, weather and my schedule. It used to remind me of events and it was in the process of teaching me how to cook real food- REAL FOOD-not soggy noodles and a luke-warm packet of baked beans...data was organized and accessable, uploading my latest poetry was effortless(and you know the words were all just for you my beloved old phone!)we were meant to be together forever. through the good and bad, making the planet a better place by organising the life of one dangerously forgetfull airhead. I could even conect to my parents wifi without them knowing and download porn(that was actually a slight addiction my old phone had) we were happy, and then he crashed.
My life came apart at the seams.
i was alone
i needed to replace him with something that would be able to complete me the way he did
but instead the only thing i found was something that would give me unlimited free internet...
i leapt at the incleadible opportunity!
now i realise i fell in shit.
This Strawberry might have granted me a cheaper sociality but it does not wake my up with te waether and sport, intead i hear a steamboat hoot as it charges me down out of dreamland and i find myself standing at the other end of the passage!
this adds an alarm clock to my shopping list.
the spellcheck is set to multi-ligual, which is great for multi-lingual people, not for me.
i have an autocorrect that gets me in trouble on the few occasions that it doesnt embarrass me. Errors include:
Groente (instead of Groete in afrikaans)
dat (instead of that)
DAT (instead of the average non-capitalized dat)
Dan (instead of than - again with the immortal capital letter D)
Green things (instead of Greetings)
jags -which means horny in afrikaans (instead of jugs)
socks -this word is just inserted into conversations randomly not replacing any other word, whether improperly or similary spelled or not...
NE (instead of ne)
and last but not least:
lesbian (instead of leaving) which is not very cool when you text one of your girlfriends saying your coming over for the weekend and your LEAVING after 4pm...
she was terrified of me that weekend...
the crappy Strawberry also has the knack of sensoring my english conversations with swear words from other lanuages...how dare he!
Fuck is often replaced with fok, fokk, fokkit, fokket, fokker, fokken, fokkin, forgery, forfeit, fcuck, fcuk, fook, fock, flock, fork, fornicate, joder, naai, neuken, neuk, opfok, fokjo, foku etc etc
i get annoyed with this as i prefer swearing in english...
Moral of the story: Droids eat strawberrys with meusli for fucking breakfast!
Chuck Norris uses Android too...
Dispite this inane silence there has been an unusal amount of excitement in my life not necessary alot more, or less than is the norm, just an unusal amount-many ne topics of discussion. The first of which is my pathetically incompetent phone.
you must understand that i am an adroid fan, lover, whorshipper, call it what you want, but being without it is painfull and unnecessary. a little while ago however, through a strange chain of events, i wound up with a phone not meant for me at all...
In order to save myself from a potential court case i cannot tell you the brand, nor the model of the piece of crap involved...so let's just call it a Strawberry 99thousand, ok?
so my old phone used to basically think FOR me, it woke me up every morning telling me what was going to happen in terms of sport, weather and my schedule. It used to remind me of events and it was in the process of teaching me how to cook real food- REAL FOOD-not soggy noodles and a luke-warm packet of baked beans...data was organized and accessable, uploading my latest poetry was effortless(and you know the words were all just for you my beloved old phone!)we were meant to be together forever. through the good and bad, making the planet a better place by organising the life of one dangerously forgetfull airhead. I could even conect to my parents wifi without them knowing and download porn(that was actually a slight addiction my old phone had) we were happy, and then he crashed.
My life came apart at the seams.
i was alone
i needed to replace him with something that would be able to complete me the way he did
but instead the only thing i found was something that would give me unlimited free internet...
i leapt at the incleadible opportunity!
now i realise i fell in shit.
This Strawberry might have granted me a cheaper sociality but it does not wake my up with te waether and sport, intead i hear a steamboat hoot as it charges me down out of dreamland and i find myself standing at the other end of the passage!
this adds an alarm clock to my shopping list.
the spellcheck is set to multi-ligual, which is great for multi-lingual people, not for me.
i have an autocorrect that gets me in trouble on the few occasions that it doesnt embarrass me. Errors include:
Groente (instead of Groete in afrikaans)
dat (instead of that)
DAT (instead of the average non-capitalized dat)
Dan (instead of than - again with the immortal capital letter D)
Green things (instead of Greetings)
jags -which means horny in afrikaans (instead of jugs)
socks -this word is just inserted into conversations randomly not replacing any other word, whether improperly or similary spelled or not...
NE (instead of ne)
and last but not least:
lesbian (instead of leaving) which is not very cool when you text one of your girlfriends saying your coming over for the weekend and your LEAVING after 4pm...
she was terrified of me that weekend...
the crappy Strawberry also has the knack of sensoring my english conversations with swear words from other lanuages...how dare he!
Fuck is often replaced with fok, fokk, fokkit, fokket, fokker, fokken, fokkin, forgery, forfeit, fcuck, fcuk, fook, fock, flock, fork, fornicate, joder, naai, neuken, neuk, opfok, fokjo, foku etc etc
i get annoyed with this as i prefer swearing in english...
Moral of the story: Droids eat strawberrys with meusli for fucking breakfast!
Chuck Norris uses Android too...
Friday, 9 March 2012
13 questions THEY won't answer
1. Why do some Muslims believe that lying to a non-believer is not lying?
2. How many thousands of people are killed by prescription drugs every year?
3. Was the Wild West really all that wild?
4. Did Martin Luther King really oppose affirmative action?
5. What is the radiation level of a CAT scan?
6. Are lie detectors actually worthless for security screening?
7. When will the innumerable fakes in the world's museums be revealed to be fake?
8. Why did Pope Pius II, Aeneas Sylvius Piccolomini write an erotic book?
9. Why does the US Government lie about the number of terrorism convictions It obtains?
10. If the Korean war ended, what do you call what they are doing now?
11. When did Virginia colonists stop practicing cannibalism?
12. What is a "Picnic Tool"?
13. How many genetically engineered humans have already been born?
13. How many genetically engineered humans have already been born?
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