Weirdest Jellybean Flavours Ever!

I have decided to accurately name the jello-bean sweets according to what they actually taste like, and not the origin of the by-products used to flavour them(like oranges, insecticides and pigeon poop). No need for any panic, I know we have all been fooled for many years and are shocked to find ourselves in this vulnerable, exploited state, but I assure you, as an expert of the field, I will set these hideously deceptive flavour names straight!

Tangerine sandles:

If the name of this flavour doesn't give you enough of a clue as to what kind of jellybeans your going to find in this packet, nothing will.
This particular flavour has a strong nose associating to old leather and a hint of toejam accompanied by a dry but pleasing tangerine flavour.

Green apple pie:

Here the jellybean munufaturers obviously attempted apple, but failed to fool the smarter, better trained tongues of our era...

Liquorice wrapper:

Not enough flavour to fill the entire bean, but enough to feel like your licking the inside of a 3day old licquorice all-sorts bag to get a bad taste out of your mouth...

French kiss:

Yes its my favourite, although I'm not likely to just let anyone have it...

Watermelon fight:

This one is fairly self-explanatory, the watermelon flavour you expected, along with a surprizing amount of dirt and gravel, and the occasional twig which serves as a reminder to your childhood days when your watermelon slice, after falling on the ground and being handed back to you, doesn't taste the same anymore...

Orange sherbet:

Its dry and powdery and sticky when it gets on your hair...also has a burny-throat aftertaste I find slightly displeasing...

Lemonade:

Obviously its just not right to sell lemon flavoured candy...it wouldn't be called sweets anymore, because its just too damn sour! So then they water-down the lemon and add heaps of sugar so that a lemon flavoured bean is still sweet...but you didn't consider the consequences, Spongebob! Its not lemon flavour anymore, what did you think it would be?its lemonade you moron!!

Prestick:

An attempt at bubblegum is better than no attempt at all... I must say prestick does not taste that bad.

Popcorn:

Fuck knows what they were attempting here...I can't imagine they made a popcorn jellybean on purpose?!

Fuckberry:

Sometimes jellybean flavours don't match any real thing we have in the world and therefore the creation of a new flavour name.: the fuckberry (applause)

Strawberry daiquiri:

Strawberries(like the strawberry flavour) have a very short shelf life and letting it stand for too long before infusing it with the jellybean ingredients can cause fermenting...

Island style:

This jellybean name was considered politically incorrect as all islands in the world do not share flavours...therefore this is just a rough guide to their flavour of preference or the style to which they make jellybean flavours...

Chocolate cake:

I was torn between chocolate cake and chocolate brownies, but decided to go with cake seeing as some people associate brownies with weed.

Holiday:

Strong coconut flavours mixed with a lingering sweetness caused by the preservatives no doubt, as the coconut flavour does not mask it sufficiently

Peach bikini:

That dry-mouth sweaty-palms taste you get in your mouth when you see a naked girl walking straight toward you on the beach and then she isn't naked...

NoseBleed:

Very similar to peach bikini, except with a slightly more metallic taste and a much more red-blotchy appearance. Probably unintended...

Fireworks:

Colourful appearance, amazing show...can be used to scare off animals of various kinds...

Pigeon poop:

Once again, this could not have been intentional...but I'm sure none of you are really aware of what pigeonpoop tastes like...dunk the jellybean in a fresh one and you'll see for yourself-no flavour change!

Pina Colada:

Increacing amounts of alcohol being made public despite that jellybeans are mainly sold to children...

Stripper pole:

Again with the kids being the main jellybean consumers "Mommy, what's a stripperpole?" it just opens up a trail of thought that really shouldn't be there yet!

Puke:

They may have used a variety of flavours to pinpoint this one or maybe only two, but I'm sure they used too much alcohol flavouring. Regardless of what they used, it still tastes as though it came out through the enterance

Cherry chapstick:

 Supposed cherry flavour coveres in layers of sticky vaseline...the annoyingly sticking to your teeth when it was supposed to stay on your lips.

And now that you know what you're really tasting... Will you want it again?

iPods: The very bad, Bad parts...

Now now, don't judge the entire post just because of it's title... i am certainly a fan of the iPod. I'm sure there isn't a sane, educated person out there whom is not a fan of the invention, but there are definitely drawbacks that suck a lot. Like singing along in public or getting electrocuted because of your semi-addiction to caffeine...

One fine example is how i showed off the verbosity of my bowels... I was in Star Buck’s one morning and having had baked beans on toast for the previous night's lazy dinner I found myself desperately needing to let go ( fart ). The music was really loud so I timed it with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better...

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me...............????
Then it struck me...........

I was listening to my iPod
Needless to say, I don't go to that Starbucks anymore...

I never seem to get the multitasking thing quite right either...

I was talking to a friend in the park, the inane blaring of someone's back seat sub-woofer so loud that struggled to consentrate n the conversation!

As whiped my whead around and yelled at the maniac"turn down your fucking music!"
I then realized I had my ipod headphones in thanks to the wire catching around my neck
There were blank stares from every other person in the park (except for a grey french poodle looking utterly content while lifting his leg against a homeless man's newspaper-blankets)

The electrocution due to coffee was a load of crap...don't know when or how i came up with that, but hey it got your attention! ...And i also had to stick it in to make sure you don't consider ts post entirely true, because obviously i do not fart in public...

or do anything remotely embarrassing... EVER!!!!

Sam's Shift

I live in a small town, and even here we have overcrowding, rush-hour, and stampedes(just much smaller than yours, ok!). It bothers me that none of the idiots in parliament(not just in SA but internationally) have thought of changing the time-layout to include the other 18 hours on the clock!

Right now one guy, let's call him Sam, is employed to cut chunks of metal into pretty little Mercedes Stars...He works 08:00 - 17:00 Monday to Saturday and does not have a wife/girlfriend/overly-caring mother to do his shopping for him...yup, he is just a normal single workaholic...but the problem lies here:
Sam runs out of toilet paper and floss every once in a while, but seeing as his local grocer is religious, he has to sign a leave form everytime he needs to run out for an errand... Long story short- Sam never has holidays because he uses up all his leave before it can pile up...how sad.

Right so here's my solution:
Sam works 08:00 - 16:00 Monday-Friday
Joe works 16:00 - 00:00 Monday-Friday
Ann works 00:00 - 08:00 Monday-Friday
And they all work the same position(around the clock shifts)
By increasing the company's operative hours from the average of 54 hours per workspace weekly to 120 hours production rate speeds up to more than twice as fast...working on Saturdays would no longer be necessary!

I know its not the first time this brainchild is aired. The system works perfectly in New York and Tokyo...and on mines around the world, but why not everywhere, with every trade known to mankind? We all need jobs, and Sam needs toilet paper and floss for fuck's sake!

Obviously we are talking large scale here. Its not Just Sam who's job is increased 3 fold and then divided between 3 people. Its everyone's! Grocers, Restaurants, And with the new 24 hour system, every employee will be able to do their shopping on their own time. Traffic flow will improve, crowding and queuing will be a thing of the past! Seeing as the human population just keeps growing, what other choice do we have ...I mean except for culling the sickly, criminal and uneducated like we cull elephants, bears and stray pets?

a funny thing or three...

Can you spot the ninja?

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Who wrote the book "dripping matress"?
I.P. Nightly.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

I hate that awkward feeling when your speaking to the person next to you while holding a call and then realize the person on the other end has been listening to you all along...

Never buy a car you can't push.

Why do you never see the headline: "psychic wins lottery"?

How do you even get to the point where you find yourself trying to outrun the cops in broad daylight without a stitch of clothing?

Sometimes when I get bored, I text a random number "ok, I hid the body, what now?"

No honey, of course I didn't just want to get you in bed that night when I met you...I wanted to get you in bed on a regular basis!

Who wrote the book "Hole in the bed"?
Mister Completely.

Sometimes I miss you so much that I wish I could remember where I hid your body...

Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?

I think I think too much...or at least I think about thinking too much too much!

There's an alien living in the toater! Everytime I put bread in he zaps it with his super-sonic-ultra-violet lazer gun and burns the hell out of it!

I'm a cereal killer...I've taken them all out: korn flakes, cocopops, bran, rice crispies... Fruit loops is next

All fun things I like in life are either immoral, illegal, expensive, fattening or impossible...

Teacher: if you had ten cookies and someone asked you for two cookies, how many would you have?
Me: Ten.
Teacher: okay, what if someone forcibly took two of your cookies? How many would you have then?
Me: Ten... And one dead body.

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone

I used to think you where Santa's little helper because of all the weird shit you get up to... But now I know you are!

peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace peace peace
peace peace peace fucku peace
peace peace peace peace peace

Who wrote the book 'FEED ME' ?
Simon's cat -no really, google it!

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler

Weather prediction for this weekend: sunny with a slight west-eastern and the SNOT KLAPPED out of the stormers...

If I start to snore while your talking shit, please don't wake me...

My buddies wanted to be firemen, farmers or policemen, something like that. Not me, I just wanted to steal people's money! - John Dillinger

Bunnies are evil!

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.

Sometimes I think that if I was meant to fly I would have wings...but then I realize hoW stupid that sounds and I fly anyway.

I hate that awkward feeling when your roommate puts the light on while your jerking off to the Flinstones.

I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone

When your gecko is broken you have a reptile dysfunction

I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.

I have kleptomania, but if it gets bad I take something for it.

Your security is not in the hands of Kerry, Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own hands. - Osama bin Laden

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except that one where your naked in church.

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are french, and its all organized by the Swiss.

Suicidal twin kills her sister by mistake.

My short term memory is not what it used to be,
Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

A bartender is just a pharmacists with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

I am a nobody; nobody is perfect;
Therefore I am perfect!

Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen million surnames.

Dyslexics have more NUB!

When you work here you name your own salary...I named mine Fred.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!

Red Meat isn't bad for you, fussy green meat is bad for you.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car on 280 Interstate driving on the wrong side of the road. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the pretty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Who wrote the book "Spots on the wall"?
I.P. Standing.

No, of course you didn't spot the ninja, you wallnut!

Put Her in Charge!

If this girl were on the ballot I bet most of us would vote for her and be thrilled to do so. The apathy with which many view our next opportunity to this privilege of democracy is that there is not a "neither of the above" to select.

"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living"

This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion:

Put me in charge . . ..

Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, take away and junk food, then get a job.

Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or xBox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."


Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..

Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someone's "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!

For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.

Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
BRING ON THE REVOLUTION.

Hazards

The little triangle button in your car that keeps you out of harm's way? No, I don't think so! For a while now I have seen people using their hazards excessively and whether they are uneducated or drawn to triangular buttons is not yet clear.

Let's say you are stranded along side the road and you have to change a flat tire. You get your fighting gear on: the reflective jacket, red triangle and torch that will light up the dark side of the moon. Your hazards are rhythmically flickering. So now you have established that even a daft person can see that there is a car half way in the road. That is the right way to use your hazards!

Now here comes the reason I cry myself to sleep at night in the asylum, rocking back and forth like a little boat at sea...

I was on my way back from a visit to the neighboring city, cruising at 120km/h. All of a sudden a white bakkie in the double lane of oncoming traffic, swerves to the right into the single lane of cars headed by me! As he crossed the solid line he put his HAZARDS on and just waves at me as if the hazards has made any road sign, rule or regulation obsolete and now he can do whatever the fuck he wants!

How has it come to this? Why is it that a simple switch can turn you into a god? And does this mean that I can park my car in the middle of the bank after drinking a few beers as long as I have my Hazards on?

It's no longer necessary for you to indicate either. All you do is push the little triangle button and do anything your little mind wants to.. Its like The Mario Brothers have come to life! The hazard button is the super berry or the 1000 coins you have to collect and can run through anything you want! Red traffic lights, stop streets, even parking meters have no way of stopping you when your hazards are on! And fuck the cops too!!

So to avoid any foreign visitors getting as confused as I often do, here are some tips on how to drive in South Africa:

1.    Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real South African driver never uses indicators.

2.    Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.    The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4.    Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5.    Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6.    Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7.    Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'

8.    Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9.    Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10.  Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

The Original Ginger

Love 'em, hate 'em...These are the only people whom have hair that wil never blend into their natural surroundings...allow me to introduce the Ginger!

The Ginger: known to all mankind as the flame-head, red-head, or that hot-tempered girl whom works in the finance department but never really does finance...it can be spotted from a distance by it's bright mane and serious lack of understanding when it comes to the ginger concept...it looks like its on fire, but there's no smoke-this is the cause of wide-spread confusion in the human society

The Ginger Concept: the theory that Gingers were brought to the earth by an alien race and are in fact not entirely human...they are often placed in their very own catagory with their own personalised brand of cats (ginger cats)

The Ginga-Ninja: any ginger whom is brave enough to allow the world to see it's true nature by eXposing the colour of their hair folicles, is known as a ginga-ninja...it takes more courage for a ginger to expose itself than it takes a pizza delivery guy to charge a rhino head-on!

The Ginger-Hugger: a tree hugger that pretends to be indifferent toward the social standards and regulations of gingers...ie. They pretend to like red-heads.

The Ginger Bread Man: a religious symbol whorshipped by all gingers(whether or not they like to admit it to a human)...baked and decorated all year round but always in secret in fear that a human might come across and eat their gingerbread men...they also have an involuntary hiccup reflex when they see humans eating their(or another ginger's) gingerbread man...

Ginger Beer: a substance secreted by gingers during exercise (the equivalent of human sweat)...it is better not to try stealing gingerbeer from gingers...it is thought to have a very unstable chemical balance and might annihilate at the slightest change in pressure if not handled by a ginger. Gingerbeer is the main fuel in the undisclosed weapon of mass destruction which the US claimed was being kept in Iraq...

Ginger cats: any regular cat which has undergone genetic mutation(which can only be accomplished by a gingerbread man whorshipper or red-head) to take on a similar colour...this is a very likely sight as red-heads are supporting ginger cats in their mission to take over the cat world!

G-string: another one of the inventions brought into the world by gingers. An utterly unusable contraption to any normal human, but gingers prefer wearing them as undergarments, much like the humans wear knickers and briefs...

The G-spot: the human concept of climax is sadly unattainable to gingers, therefore they created the illusion of a g-spot which gives them the false hope that if the exact spot is touched they will experience an orgasm...to ease the disappointment, they just tell themselves that the g-spot is constantly out of reach...

Ginger: a herb often used to flavour curries or tea, aid in weightloss and digestion and sliced into bath water to help revitelize the skin.

Stoney: legalized trade of watered-down ginger beer to keep humans from seeking out and stealing real gingerbeer.

The abovementioned is not a work of fiction, think twice US! You do not want to find that can of gingerbeer!!!